


Let you love me

by levisexual



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dubious Consent, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Roommates, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23741953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levisexual/pseuds/levisexual
Summary: After Haruki told Akihiko he was asked to play as support in his ex girlfriend's band, things go bad.Real bad.Between their repressed feelings and personal issues, will the two of them be able to work everything out?Given manga (and movie now) spoiler, so watch out
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki
Comments: 22
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm super excited to post this, since Akihiko and Haruki are my favorite couple in the manga and I wanted to explore their thoughts and feelings during one particular moment.
> 
> The story will not follow completely the plot in the manga, but the dialogues are almost the same.  
> Of course I do not own the story and the characters.
> 
> Please keep in mind that English is not my first language, so you might find some mistake.
> 
> Every suggestion or impression is very well accepted :)

This was wrong. Deeply wrong.

But still, Akihiko couldn't stop.

Haruki's moans were overwhelming. And he wasn't pushing him away. And it felt wrong.

_Why do you have to be like this? Why are you allowing this?_

The rational part in his brain knew that he shouldn't be giving a blowjob to his friend in the middle of his living room, and there was a voice in his head that was telling him to stop. Immediately. Before things went irreparably wrong.

But he didn't listen to it. How could he? Other voices, all louder than the first one, were telling him that this was okay. That he needed this to forget. To let out his anger. After all, he had always had this particular coping mechanism and he had done that with so many people. Not that he was proud of it, of course. But it was just how things were.

"Akihiko... please..."

Haruki's voice made his way to him. It was soft and trembling. Like he was on the verge of tears.

Akihiko couldn't ignore it anymore.

He pushed himself up, letting go of Haruki's cock, and looked the other man in the eyes. He regretted it immediately.

Where he expected to find disgust and hatred, he only found concern and devotion. Somehow, this was even more painful.

_What the fuck am I doing?_

Haruki's eyes were filled with tears, some of them rolling down his cheeks. And Akihiko couldn't bare it anymore.

 _He was hurting him._ This idea alone made him feel sick. His face twisted in pain.

"Please. Stop... Please." Haruki's voice was extremely weak as he moved his hand towards Akihiko's face.

"Don't make that face... Please, don't make a face like your heart is breaking..."

What the hell was he talking about? _He_ was the one hurting. _He_ was the one who was almost being forced to have sex with him. It didn't make any sense.

Haruki's hand had reached his face now. It was a faint touch, uncertain, but at the same time it felt like Akihiko's soul had been torn into pieces.

_This was wrong. Deeply wrong._

"What is it? Tell me.... Please". Haruki's voice was nothing more than a whisper. "I'll do anything for you".

Akihiko froze.

Why was Haruki telling him that? Why was he always so good to him, even when he didn't deserve any of his affection?

In that moment Akihiko decided that he couldn't hurt the other man anymore. Haruki was too kind and good to heart to deserve that. And he was too rough and difficult to deal with. His rotten heart was going to crush Haruki sooner or later.

And he couldn't let that happen.

"Even if I tell you, nothing is going to change?" His voice sounded different than usual. Harder. He almost didn't recognize himself.

Haruki stilled under him. His eyes filled with raw pain.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I just... Haruki. I am truly sorry". His apology sounded pathetic, he knew that.

There was no way he could fix this.

Akihiko dropped on the floor, his hands in his hair, leaving Haruki on the sofa behind him. He was breathless. He felt like drowning in his own shame.

The other man fixed his clothes, got up from the sofa, went to his bedroom and closed the door behind him without saying a word.

In that moment, Akihiko realized things were never gonna be the same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo this is it for the first chapter (I think there will be more if this turns out good).
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> ily


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter, yay! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this

Haruki went to his room and closed the door. He had to get away from Akihiko. The other man couldn't see him in this state. He had already exposed too much of his feelings.

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

He sat on the floor with his back leaning on the door and took his head in his hands. He was shaking and he could feel a new flow of tears poking at the side of his eyes. This time, he let them out without restrain and his whole body was shaken by a loud sob.

 _"Even if I tell you, nothing is going to change?"_ These words were still ringing in his ears, making him cry even more.

He had always knew that Akihiko didn't return his feelings, and he had accepted that, really. He was happy to be his friend and to enjoy his company. And that was fine. Really.

But now... This was unexpected. Not that he didn't know that Akihiko was attracted also to men. He had always knew that. Yes, at first it was a shock and it had gave him the hope to have a chance with the man he was in love with. He had seen him with other men, going on dates, kissing. And everytime he had wished it to be him.

And now, after two years of being head over heels for his best friend, Akihiko had kissed him, touched him, like he'd always dreamt of. And it had felt wrong. Terribly wrong.

"Haruki, are you crying?" He didn't answer.

"I know you are. And I'm incredibly sorry. Believe me."

Silence.

"Come out. Please"

His heart was beating too fast and he was out of breath. He couldn't be seen like that.

"I made a mistake. I don't know what's gotten to me. I was angry, and sad, and you are always there for me when I need you so I just came here. I shouldn't have."

This was even worse. Akihiko had _used_ him just to feel better, for some reason. He felt a burning sensation in his throat. He had to throw up.

"I know you are not going to forgive me, but I really do feel terrible for what I did. Please. Tell me what I can do to make things better". Akihiko's voice was pledging now, it was miserable, and this made Haruki feel suddenly angry.

He stood up, still shaking, and wiped away his tears. Then, he opened the door.

Akihiko was sitting in front of the door, his eyes red and his expression wretched. As soon as he realized that the door was opening, he stood up and took some steps back. The two men were looking at each other straight in the eyes now. The tension tangible and the silence between them overpowering.

It was Akihiko who spoke first, his voice uncertain for the first time in a long time.

"I'm sorr–"

"Stop! I don't wanna hear your apologies."

Haruki was shaking and clenching his fists. He had to let his anger out.

"Everybody used to tell me that you were an asshole and that you only cared about yourself. And you wanna know what I used to say? I always told them that deep down you were a good person, that you were caring. I've always defended you!".

He saw guilt fleshing in Akihiko's eyes and he knew his words had struck where they would hurt the most. So, he continued.

"Well, turns out everybody but me was right. You don't care about other people's feelings. You manipulate them to your advantage and then leave them feeling empty and useless." His tone was accusatory.

_I should stop now._

"I can't believe I didn't realize it any sooner! I feel. so. damn. stupid. for letting you do whatever you wanted to me. And I hate myself for that"

_I should really stop._

"But I hate you even more for doing it."

Now that his anger was all out, he was left feeling numb.

They remained in silence for a moment, then Akihiko talked with a shaky voice.

"That's not fair"

Haruki was expecting more. He was expecting Akihiko to shout at him, to be angry, to tell him he was wrong about everything. But none of this came. Instead, the other man exhaled and picked his jacket and keys from the table.

"Where the fuck do you think you are going?"

"You obviously don't want to be around me right now. You've made that very clear. So I'm going out."

"It's 3am"

"It doesn't matter. If I stay here we're just going to fight more. And I can't stand it". He approached the door.

"Don't–"

"Enough. I said I'm sorry, and I really am. I hurt you. But I don't wanna do that anymore, and if I stay here, now, it will just be worse". He opened the door.

"Goodnight Haruki". And he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know things are not good now but I promise they'll get better soon.  
> But I think they needed to go through this first.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts :)
> 
> ily


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter at 2am last night because I really felt inspired so I hope you'll like it as much as I do.

Outside, the night air was chilly and the streets were almost empty as Akihiko walked down them. 

He didn't have a particular destination in mind, he just needed to go as far as possible from Haruki's apartment, where everything had happened. So he just kept walking.

_I hurt him._

Just thinking about that brought new waves of nausea to him. He felt like shit. 

_"You don't care about other people's feelings. You manipulate them to your advantage and then leave them feeling empty and useless."_

Fuck. 

Haruki's words had been like daggers thrown at his chest. It wasn't like he was a saint: he had done some pretty shameful things he wasn't really proud of, and he took complete responsibility for those. However, he had never wanted Haruki to know this part of him so he had always kept it hidden. 

For some reason, Haruki had always looked at him like he was good and deserving of happiness. It was comforting in a way, and that felt nice. So he had held on to that feeling. He had believed Haruki and tried to be better for him, to be deserving of his friendship. 

But now he had ruined everything, like he had always done with the beautiful things in his life. Why did he have to be like this? Why did he have to screw everything up? Fucking idiot.

_"But I hate you even more"_

Akihiko stopped as he felt a strong ache right in the middle of his chest. Damnit. He knew that Haruki was angry and he had all the reasons to be, but those words had felt wrong. He wasn't sure if Haruki was lying or if he really meant that, even if he thought he deserved the other man's hate. Still, he didn't want Haruki to hate him.

Actually, he wanted Haruki to be his friend, to laugh at his stupid jokes and to complain about him being always late. 

He wanted Haruki to care about him, to worry whether he was feeling okay or not, to be near him and to comfort him. 

And he wanted to be there for him too, to lift him up when he was feeling worthless, to play music with him, to hold him–

Fuck. 

_I'm in love with Haruki_.

He found himself breathless at the sudden realisation and felt a rushing of adrenaline through his whole body. He loved Haruki. It just felt so natural now. When did that happen? He didn't even know. Maybe he had always knew that but was never brave enought to admit it to himself.

He had to move. He had to go back before it was too late. _He had to tell him_. Akihiko started running. 

He didn't know for how long he had been walking, but it took him ten solid minutes to run back to Haruki's apartment. When he arrived, he was exhausted and gasping for some air. But he didn't stop. He couldn't stop. 

_I have to tell him._

So he run up the stairs and arrived in front of the other man's door. He hesitated for a second and then knocked vigorously. No one answered. 

"Haruki? It's me. I know you probably don't want to see me right now, and I respect that, but I really need to tell you something. After that, you can keep on hating me and I won't bother you anymore. But please, let me in".

Still no answer.

Akihiko was starting to worry as his mind showed him terrible scenarios he refused to accept. He knocked again, harder. When he received no response - again - he tried to open the door, which was obviously locked.

He picked up his phone and dialed Haruki's number. 

_Please be okay. Please answer. Please–_

"Akihiko?"

He let out the breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding. _Thank god._

"Haruki. Where are you?"

"What do you mean where am I? Where are **you**?! I came after you but you were nowhere to be found!" Haruki was...mad?

"You came after me?" His confusion was evident.

"Yes you dipshit. You went out in the middle of the night and expected me to wait home? Are you nuts?"

"Why– Why would you do that?"

"Did you smoke something or have you always been that stupid? I was worried about you!"

"But you said you hated me..." That didn't make any sense.

"Yeah I said that. I– I wanted to hurt you. But it doesn't mean you have to go god-knows-where in the middle of the night dumbass. Where are you?"

"You... don't hate me?"

"Of course I don't hate– Listen, just tell me where you are." 

"I'm in front of your house"

"Stay there. Don't move. I'll get there in a couple of minutes"

"Haruki, wait!" 

_He had to tell him._ He had to. Before it was too late. Maybe it was already too late. But if Haruki didn't hate him then... maybe...

"What?" 

"I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The truth is finally out ladies and gentlemen.  
> Let me know what you think about it :)
> 
> ily as always


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter is finally out! It took me a bit longer than the others actually but I'm really happy with the result :)

Haruki almost lost control of his car when he heard that.

_"I love you"_

Did he hear that correctly? Did Akihiko actually say that or was it just a product of his imagination? 

"What did you just say?" 

He desperately needed an answer. But nothing came from the other end of the phone. Akihiko had hung up. _Fucking coward_.

Haruki had followed the other man almost immediately after he had left. Maybe he shouldn't have, considering all that had just happened between the two of them. Akihiko didn't deserve his comfort or forgiveness. He had treated him like shit by putting his own needs and interest above him.

However, Haruki had felt the urge to go after him and he had found himself in the car without even noticing, his body moving on its own. He realized his anger was gone and it's place had been taken by remorse. He just wanted to apologise for the hurtful things he had intentionally said, even if a part of him thought Akihiko deserved this. 

The worst thing was that he couldn't bring himself to hate the other man. He had tried. He even had enough reasons. He just couldn't.

_I'm such an idiot_

He had even accepted the fact that Akihiko used to have sex with other people for money. Yes, it had hurt at first. But he knew Akihiko had his reasons to do so and he was nobody to judge him or his choices whatsoever. So he had just pretended he didn't know it and continued with his life as always.

The truth was that, at the end of the day, no matter how much Akihiko hurt him or disappointed him, he would always be there for him. He probably shouldn't, considering everything the other man had intentionally and unintentionally put him through.

Yet, the thought of leaving Akihiko and moving on was just unacceptable: he couldn't imagine his life without him at this point.

He sighed and clenched his hands around the wheel.

_Well, isn't this what love is about after all?_

Haruki arrived at his house and jumped out of the car. He was incredibly nervous all of a sudden. Akihiko was sitting in front of the door and he stood up as soon as he recognized the other man.

They were standing in front of each other, staring in one another's eyes, in silence. 

This scene was way too familiar and yet so different than it had been just minutes ago. Their eyes had a different light in them, their expressions conveyed new emotions and the silence wasn't as uncomfortable.

Akihiko opened his mouth as if to say something, but nothing came out. It was Haruki who spoke first.

"Just so you know, I'm still pissed."

"I know. And you have all the rights to be. But I have to tell you something."

"What is it?" 

"I'm sorry for what happened between you and me. And I don't mean just before. I'm sorry for everything. Really."

Haruki looked away from Akihiko's green eyes, desperately trying not to fall for them once more. 

"Haruki, look at me. I know you've always been too kind to really tell me when I was hurting you, and I think I took advantage of that at some point. This is probably the thing that I regret the most. And the thing is, no matter how much you hate me, I'll hate myself more."

Haruki's eyes snapped at the other man as he felt a wave of frustration washing over him.

"You don't get to say that! I don't want you to think that of yourself! I don't hate you Akihiko. I'm just mad at myself for always putting you first, but I realized it is something I have no control of. So don't you think I hate you, because I really don't. I don't even want to at this point."

They remained in silence again, their thoughts and feelings louder than ever.

"I'll be better than this Haruki. I know I've wronged you so many times before, but I'll make up for everything if you'll let me. I'll change."

"Will you really?"

"Yes, for you, I will."

Haruki was left speechless by this confession. His mind was blank and his heart was pounding too much inside his chest, as if it wanted to come out. This felt unreal. He was afraid he was going to wake up from a beautiful, beautiful dream and everything was going to disappear eventually.

Akihiko spoke again, this time his voice was softer, more tentative.

"Haruki, I lov–"

"Don't."

Haruki looked away again, as tears started to form in the corners of his eyes. Akihiko took a step in his direction, feeling the urge to comfort him, but Haruki backed up.

"Please, don't. Don't say you love me if you don't really mean it. Please. Because I'm going to say it back to you if you do."

"Haruki..."

"I love you Akihiko. I've been in love with you for months. And now that you're here telling me you return these feelings, I can't help but feel afraid it will all be over someday. And I don't know if I could go through that. So please, if you don't mean it as much as I do, don't say it."

"I– I want to be deserving of your love Haruki. I really, really do. I'll change and I'll be the man you deserve to be with. I can't promise you I won't hurt you ever again, because I will, even if I don't want to. But I'll do my best, that is for sure."

Haruki exhaled and Akihiko took another tentative step forward. Once he saw that the other man wasn't retreating, he took a few more. Now they were standing a few inches apart, their chests almost touching.

Akihiko moved his hands towards Haruki's face, but he stopped them mid-air. 

"Can I touch you?"

The other man nodded.

The touch was gentle and loving. Akihiko took Haruki's face in his hands and looked deep into his eyes. 

"I am going to kiss you now, is that okay?"

Another nod.

When their lips touched, the world around them started spinning. It was a cast and uncertain kiss, but it held all the things they never told to each other. It lasted a few seconds, then Akihiko backed off and looked Haruki in the eyes again.

He felt something burning in his chest, and he realized things were never gonna be the same between them. That made him happy.

"I love you Haruki"

**_fin_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I can't believe I actually managed to finish this.
> 
> These two characters are super important to me and I hope you guys liked how I portrayed them. Now I'll just wait for the Given movie to see my babies again.
> 
> A big big big thank you to everyone who read this to this point and for you kudos and comments, they were really my fuel. 
> 
> ily and I hope you liked this story


End file.
